terrierista

An American must-do: move beyond charisma

Today I was visiting with a church friend--an HR professional--about hiring a youth minister. I said that the person would need "charisma." My friend reminded me of the process many religious orders use to elect their leaders--by asking three important questions:

1. What do we want to accomplish?
2. What skills will we need to make this happen?
3. Who among us has these skills?

This takes the decision out of the abstract realm of pure charisma--"personality"--and into the concrete realm of ability and suit-ability.

A wise approach to choosing a new boss, employee, and spouse, wouldn't you say? And let's not forget (could we possibly?) the upcoming presidential election, so far away and yet so near. Many candidates' platforms focus on a limited number of currently hot issues, and many voters will base their choices on either charisma or a narrow focus. Pro-life advocates may not consider national security; green advocates may not consider immigration reform; peace advocates may not consider nuclear power; and a charismatic candidate has a big advantage from the get-go, regardless of his or her ability, convictions, and history.

It's all, frankly, bullshit--from the candidates and the voters. We're all just pretending to to be serious about this. How can we possibly elect the right person for the job if we don't have a clear idea what the job IS and what skills we need to accomplish it? Of all our issues, which ones are critical to our continued existence? Finding a way to agree on the must-do tasks and the right person for the job is a do-or-die proposition these days--and will require a moratorium on B.S. I don't have high hopes.

BOOK REVIEW: "Why business people speak like idiots," by Brian Fugere, Chelsea Hardaway, and Jon Warshawsky

"The bottom line: Bullshit eats away at your personal capital, while straight talk pays dividends."

This handy little book comes to you from three current or former employees of Deloitte Consulting LLP. According to the authors, intelligent and otherwise-decent business people speak (and write) like idiots when they fall into any of four "traps" of thinking.

THE OBSCURITY TRAP. "Jargon, wordiness, and evasiveness are the active ingredients of modern business-speak." We speak and write like idiots when our goal is to impress rather than communicate, to stay safe hiding behind evasiveness, or to falsely romanticize business. How to escape: Be humble and avoid superlatives; let your business's or product's strengths speak for themselves. Steer clear of acronyms. Keep it short: short presentations, short sentences, short words.

THE ANONYMITY TRAP. "We have allowed our personalities to be systematically neutered and spayed into oblivion. We have business schools that churn out clones; an epidemic of political correctness that demands every sneeze be approved by a 12-person committee; corporate scandals that have eliminated even the slightest appetite for risk; and company standards for everything from presentations and email signatures to clothing and performance ratings. It's no wonder most of us feel that a personality isn't the kind of thing you'd want to bring to work." How to escape: Don't use templates mindlessly. Lose all that polish you worked so hard at; let people know you're human. Learn--and it is something that must be learned--how to use humor. And "pick up the damn phone"--do something, anything to make your communication personal.

THE HARD-SELL TRAP. "Business idiots spout the hard sell all day long. How many value-addeds and empowers can we stick on a page before someone from the state agriculture bureau stops by to confiscate the document for use as fertilizer?" The hard sell happens out of fear (Why would they listen to me if my product's not the best in every way?), habit, and bad role models. How to escape: Don't tell: show. Keep yourself and your greatness out of your communication. Build trust by giving bad news. Apologize swiftly and from the heart when appropriate.

THE TEDIUM TRAP. "There are too many nice people with clear messages who fade into the din of business with no real impact because they didn't realize they were in show business." How to escape: Spice up your communication in authentic ways with language. Talk about things that annoy or embarrass you. Use photos and graphics in interesting ways. Tell a story. Leading Change (1996) by John P. Kotter, had sold 210,000 copies worldwide through 2003. Who Moved My Cheese? (1998) by Spencer Johnson, M.D., with 94 pages (in what the authors call "AARP font"), had sold 14 million copies through 2003 and was still going strong. Why did this little parable so decisively outsell a thoroughly researched business book by a renowned Harvard professor? Because it's a story, and it describes a phenomenon we've all experienced.

More of the authors' sound business communication advice is available at Fight the Bull, including free downloadable Bullfighter software with a jargon database and Bull Composite Index calculator. The web site even has a Mystery Matador feature, allowing site visitors to copy and paste a piece of idiotic business writing into a text box and send it, anonymously, to the author--along with a "jargon and verbosity" score created by the program. A little cowardly, but hey, if that's what it takes to make the world a better place....

Try not to say stupid stuff

Must-read: Christopher Hitchens in yesterday's issue of  Slate. What could former U.S. President Jimmy Carter have been thinking when he opened his mouth to the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette?

    

Carter called the current Bush administration "the worst in history," adding, "The overt reversal of America's basic values as expressed by previous administrations, including [those of] George H.W. Bush and Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon and others, has been the most disturbing to me."

    

Well, Hitchens--who loveth not George H. W. Bush, Ronald Reagan, or Richard Nixon--was all over that like stink on a skunk: "'Worst in history,' as the great statesman from Georgia has to know, has been the title for which he has himself been actively contending since 1976," Hitchens hisses.

    

He then goes on for 830 more words to explain, in excruciating, hilarious detail, why the "purse-mouthed preacher man from Plains" should keep his pie-hole shut.

    

It's a great read--and a great lesson: when you're speaking in public or to employees or stockholders or volunteers, try not to say stupid stuff. Be a little humble. Be a little kind. Remember that you put your overalls on one leg at a time just like everybody else.

    

Because the Christopher Hitchenses of the world will nail you up with every pompous piece of bullshit you utter, and the rest of us will applaud him.

I'm famous!

See David Murray's Shades of Gray, one of the fine blogs brought to you by the good folks at Ragan Communications.

Excuse me: I need to go rest on my laurels.

Do they think we don't know bullshit when we hear it?

Remember our definition of  "bullshit": language that doesn't care whether what it's saying is true or false because the only objective is to affect perception? Here's another pile, this time from our good friends at the Organization of the Islamic Conference, which met this week in Islamabad, Pakistan.

Apparently on Sept. 11, 2001, while we were mourning thousands violently dead at Muslim extremist hands, Muslim foreign ministers were witnessing something even more horrific: the birth--on that very date!--of a "campaign of calumny against Muslims" in the U.S. and Europe and the beginning of an "Islamophobic terror." Oh, I almost forgot: the Madrid and London bombings also exacerbated the "deliberate defamation of Islam and discrimination and intolerance against Muslims," which has assumed "xenophobic" proportions. "The linkage of terrorists and extremists with Islam in a generalized manner is unacceptable," the foreign ministers said, complaining about "the increasingly negative political and media discourse targeting Muslims and Islam in the United States and Europe."

Right now my blood pressure is about 200/95.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is textbook bullshit.

• The esteemed leaders in Islamabad have shared feelings, which cannot be contradicted.
• They have accused the U.S.--a nation nearly turning itself inside-out with efforts to not demonize Islam and Muslims--with doing that very thing. ("Xenophobic"? Look it up, assholes.)
• And they have neglected to admit their own culpability in whatever discomfort they're feeling from the U.S. and Europe: namely, that the Muslim leaders of the world have not acted to stop Muslim terrorists, vowed to stop Muslim terrorists, or even so much as denounced Muslim terrorists.

This is textbook bullshit because the point of these pronouncements was neither to tell the truth nor even to tell lies. Truth and lies have long since ceased to matter to these men. No, they spouted this bullshit because they want our perception of them to change, regardless of the truth. Bullshit is never about reality--just perception. CEOs and presidents and spouses and kids who bullshit do so because they want to be thought of in a certain way, whether that's really the way they are or not. It's so much easier, no?

Refuse to go along. Without exception. Bullshit never bodes good.

It's all about the words

Clarity happens. One of my must-read blogs, Shades of Gray by David Murray, said this at the end of a recent post: "Let’s do the work that needs to be done rather than the work that happens to be on our to-do list."

I responded: "Doing the work that needs to be done rather than what's on our to-do list  --that's the kicker, ain't it? That's following our bliss. That's knowing what in the world we're each meant to be an ANSWER to."

This all got me thinking. Terrierista's About Me page said: "I help clients grow their business or increase their influence by building healthy relationships . . . using transparent communication: candid, respectful conversations with no jargon or hype."

I need to be more explicit about the importance of words. I can do marketing, PR, advertising, strategic planning, and measurement, but I'm a writer to my marrow. Have been since I was ten. Words are "my North, my South, my East and West, my working week and my Sunday rest, my noon, my midnight, my talk, my song" (love you, Mr. Auden). My wildest successes have been about words. They're what I do best and where I'm happiest.

Words are where clients get the most value from me. Thanks for making me think about this, David.

Here--to be clear--is what I'm selling:

• I help clients figure out what needs to be said.
• Words need to reflect reality or they're, well, bullshit. I help clients decide whether they're prepared--with help from me or others--to match the reality to the words--"walk the talk." (Some clients already have a stellar "walk" and just need some help with the "talk" to tell their great story.)
• I help clients say what needs to be said, as effectively as possible and in a way that invites relationships, whether the product is an employee newsletter, a speech to stockholders, or a bad-news announcement to the media.

That's my bliss. Let's do lunch.

(Photo: Eye of God in the Helix Nebula. Credit: NASA, ESA, C.R. O'Dell [Vanderbilt University], M. Meixner and P. McCullough [STScI], T.A. Rector [NRAO])

Is this the End of Days?

I think it might be. See below.

Paris Hilton is going to jail for repeatedly ignoring the California Department of Motor Vehicles. (They say miracles will happen in the final days.)

France has a new president who wants to bring his country back into the EU and into friendship with the U.S. (See above.)

A tornado wipes out Greensburg, Kan. (Is this more irrefutable proof of global warming, or were those people just really, really bad?)

We learn (for the new reduced price of only $13.17--a bargain because the information is ancient and priceless) that the laws of physics, chemistry, weight loss, and common sense can be overcome if we just ask, believe, and receive to attract the right weight to us.

As if all this weren't enough to get us on our knees, Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ--who has also, sort of confusingly, said he was the Apostle Paul reincarnated, and then the Antichrist--is filling stadiums and getting stinking rich in Florida.

Please excuse me. I must go load my bomb shelter with Sara Lee and Barq's. I'm attracted to the very idea.

Homeland Security's communication farce isn't funny

Ladies and gentlemen: observe our tax dollars at work in a communication farce that may cost lives.

We're in danger. We're surrounded by people and nations who want to wipe us off the face of the earth. As one step in keeping Americans safe, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security was established. Whatever it may be doing right, it is NOT communicating the right things to Americans, and that may cost lives.

My previous post discussed how Homeland Security's insistence on using a Color-Coded Threat Level System discourages Americans from taking the threat warnings seriously. Today, let's look at that five-color threat level system--green, blue, yellow, orange, red--as a case study in dangerously bad communication--sort of a "worst practice."

GREEN = "LOW RISK"

When the threat level is green, the "citizen guidance" instructs Americans to:

• Develop a family emergency plan. Share it with family and friends, and practice the plan. Visit http://www.ready.gov/ for help creating a plan.
• Create an "Emergency Supply Kit" for your household.
• Be informed. Visit http://www.ready.gov/ or obtain a copy of "Preparing Makes Sense, Get Ready Now" by calling 1-800-BE-READY.
• Know how to shelter-in-place and how to turn off utilities (power, gas, and water) to your home.
• Examine volunteer opportunities in your community, such as Citizen Corps, Volunteers in Police Service, Neighborhood Watch or others, and donate your time.
• Consider completing an American Red Cross first aid or CPR course , or Community Emergency Response Team (CERT) course.

Let's be honest: we'll never be at the "green" threat level again. Ever. The activities are okay, but why tell people to do them in a "low risk" situation when we'll never live in one? Already this communication has an odor of ineptitude and dishonesty.

BLUE = "GUARDED RISK"

• Complete recommended steps at level green.
• Review stored disaster supplies and replace items that are outdated.
• Be alert to suspicious activity and report it to proper authorities.

So when things are "green" and there is a "low" threat risk, it's not necessary to be alert to and report suspicious activity? That should happen only when there's a "guarded risk"?

YELLOW = "ELEVATED RISK" (We have not floated below yellow since March 12, 2002.)

• Complete recommended steps at levels green and blue.
• Ensure disaster supply kit is stocked and ready. (This was part of the family checklist mentioned at the green level.)
• Check telephone numbers in family emergency plan and update as necessary. (So was this.)
• Develop alternate routes to/from work or school and practice them.
• Continue to be alert for suspicious activity and report it to authorities. (This was mentioned at the blue level, and in this level we were also instructed to complete recommened steps for the green and blue levels. Repeating information while pretending it's new information isn't inspiring. It's just irritating.)

The only new activity here is to find and practice new routes to work and school. I'll say this slowly for the Homeland Security folks: In...an...emergency...dire...enough...to...choke...traffic...routes, ...we...won't...be...trying...to...get...to...work...or...school....

ORANGE = "HIGH RISK"

• Complete recommended steps at lower levels.
• Exercise caution when traveling, (sic) pay attention to travel advisorie. (sic)
• Review your family emergency plan and make sure all family members know what to do.
• Be Patient (sic). Expect some delays, baggage searches and restrictions at public buildings.
• Check on neighbors or others that might need assistance in an emergency.

What's different here from green, blue, or yellow? Does anything here scream "high risk"? I may be a little slow, but it's beginning to dawn on me that I'm being jerked around.

RED = "SEVERE RISK"

• Complete all recommended actions at lower levels.
• Listen to local emergency management officials.
• Stay tuned to TV or radio for current information/instructions.
• Be prepared to shelter-in-place or evacuate, as instructed.
• Expect traffic delays and restrictions.
• Provide volunteer services only as requested.
• Contact your school/business to determine status of work day.

This is the red level. Severe risk. As high as she goes. Contagion-in-the-water, nukes-over-Washington, countless-dead, try-to-phone-your-loved-ones red level. I deeply resent these "citizen guidelines" that make it sound like an inconvenience. On this day we will not give a rat's star-spangled ass about traffic delays or going to work or obtaining permission to offer volunteer help.

WHY THIS MATTERS

I'm relatively sure that Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff and his folks mean well. If they were hyping cars or personal hygiene products, it wouldn't matter that they're bullshitting us by only pretending to tell us something critical to our well-being. In fact, though, we are in danger, they are the agency charged with keeping us safe, and what are they doing? Feeding us slop and calling it good.

The military attaches heavy importance to the colored threat levels and requires specific, meaningful activities and decisions at each level. If there are also specific, meaningful--"meaningful" is a key word here--activities and decisions that everyday citizens can and should do at each threat level, we have a right to know and Homeland Security has a duty to tell us. If there aren't, they should tell us that. A little bluntness would be refreshing.

Michael Chertoff, your agency's communication makes it look as though you're trying to fool us into thinking there's a plan where there isn't. If that's NOT what you're trying to do--if you're genuinely trying to communicate lifesaving information to Americans--for God's sake find someone with a communication brain to help you do that.

Call me. Call someone else. Just get some help.

Homeland Security is color-coding us into complacency

In a recent previous life, I was communication director for my state's transportation department. We "partnered" with the National Guard and the state's Emergency Management Division, and our director was a general in the National Guard, so the guys who love that kind of stuff were in their element.

A small but constant source of heartburn for me was one manager's insistence on placing the "Color-Coded Threat Level System" graphic in a primary position on our intranet so all 1,100 employees would know which threat level we were wearing that day.

My problem? That graphic--and the "citizen guidance" instructions accompanying it--told us nothing. If the threat went from red to orange or orange to yellow, what did it mean for us desk workers and equipment operators? What were we supposed to do differently? Sit down, put our heads between our legs, and kiss our asses goodbye? (Oh, wait, that's what you do when your plane is heading for the water.)

If we really need this information, tell us; if we don't, get it out of our faces. For more than a year I obnoxiously tried to find answers and, when I couldn't, tried to get the damn thing off the intranet. I was foiled in all respects.

Giving us that information, in that way, without telling us why we needed to know and what we were supposed to do with the knowledge, could have only one of two possible effects. We would either become addicted to threat level changes, interrupting our work dozens of time each day to see if the color had changed--or we would stop paying any attention. My money was on the latter outcome.

Man, I hate it when I'm right. In a U.S. airport this week, a loudspeaker announced that the threat level in U.S. airports has been elevated to orange. Well, um, actually that change happened nine months ago, on August 10, 2006. (What? You don't remember?) I asked friends who were in the airport with me if they'd heard the announcement; nobody had. My husband, standing right next to me, heard it, but tried to shush me. He's always nervous that I'll do something to invite more than my usual titanium-knee wand-and-patdown.

So it had been said, it was audible, it was not garbled, it was a statement containing a piece of shocking (albeit misleading) information--and no one paid attention. Homeland Security has taught us to ignore their pronouncements. How will that keep us safe the next time they have a pronouncement that's genuinely important and critical for our survival?

Americans already stagger complacently through multiple checkpoints and searches because we know they're good for us and realize how ridiculously easy we had it before 9/11. Michael Chertoff, you don't have to scare us to get us to do that. You shouldn't be trying to scare us, period. Just tell us what we need to know to stay safe, and what we deserve to know as U.S. citizens and human beings. Nothing less--but nothing more.

In my next post, I'll discuss the mysterious "citizen guidance" instructions attached to the five threat-level colors. If we switch labels, can we still tell which color is which?

It doesn't take much to make us happy

Are you as smart as a fifth-grader? Even a fifth-grader would know how to fix this customer service fiasco. 

My husband made me promise not to go ballistic on this computer company until we see how they finally resolve our problem. After weeks of abuse, they've done something to restore his faith in them.

Here's the email trail--with no names, shortened to preserve reader sanity--as a free lesson in the simplicity of customer satisfaction. 

US: Our one-week-old computer is not working right. It locks up every few minutes. 

THEM: If you are unable to shut down your computer properly, I recommend that you follow these steps to help troubleshoot the issue [extensive instructions].  

US: I don’t think you understood my problem. It locks up. The only thing we can do is turn it off with the button and then restart. It happens again and again and again. This has to get resolved SOON. 

THEM: It could be this…or this…or this…. Please tell us where to send a return box, and you can send the computer to us for repair.

US: No, it isn’t any of those things. I’ve done them all. I understand that you prefer to fix the lemon, but we would prefer to replace the lemon.

   

THEM: If you think your system is faulty, you have an option to contact the retail store where you have purchased the system…they could consider replacing the system….

   

US: Maybe it wasn’t clear in the documentation shown below, but the retailer was YOU—online—so you are the retailer I would need to visit with.

   

THEM: I appreciate your effort in providing us with this information. I have set up a return authorization for you. We will send you a prepaid shipping label so you can send the notebook to us. The shipping label and box will be sent out within 2-3 business days. [extensive mailing instructions]

   

US: I didn’t send you the lemon last week because I needed to find a machine for my wife and get her data on it so that she would have something to use while we wait for the lemon to be returned to us. So, today I am packaging it, and you know what? – NO SHIPPING LABEL. I have a box but no label. No other mail received from you. This is kind of disappointing. I still feel that the best option is to send us a clean machine matching the specs of this one (except that it works) and we will send you back the lemon. PLEASE SEND US A REPLACEMENT—TODAY. 

   

THEM: To further address the issue, please note that many of the shipping labels are sliding under these flaps during shipment or are placed underneath the original labels. I apologize but we are unable to provide your request for a replacement system since the system has not been diagnosed yet properly.

   

US: Only cardboard under the label. Nothing under the flaps. No label. No return address. Just a lemon.

   

THEM: I have already forwarded this information to our proper channels and we will contact you regarding this matter as soon as we have the proper information for this issue. Our response to your message will be delayed so we can research more to find the information necessary to quickly resolve your issue/answer your question.We try to answer all of our customers in a timely fashion, but in this case we would ask you to allow us to research and then get back to you with either an update or our response to your message.

   

US: We have been struggling with this computer since we got it. I have reinstalled, I have moved my wife’s data on and off, now I am trying to return it for repair. BUT FRANKLY, because of the problems I’ve documented, I am losing patience with the repair route. I am busy and travel. I can’t deal with the continued delay in getting this resolved. I want a replacement computer—NOW. [Note: this is my husband in Jack Bauer mode.] I have spent $5,400 with your company in the last two months on two separate computers. I have a third that I purchased two years ago. I like the products except for the lemon and would buy again—but that depends on how this gets resolved.

   

THEM: I understand that you are missing the return shipping label, note that this concern is already forwarded to our proper channel and it is currently under escalation. I recognize what a displeasure this could be and I could relate to how inconvenient situations like this. However, rest assure that your concern is on the top of our list. And once we receive your system, our pair personnel will do everything to address the issue of your system and to serve you in a way that you deserve. [Note: I have reproduced their email here, errors and gobbledygook and all.]      

    

So why does my husband suddenly have faith in this company again? Well, he got hold of a real human being on the phone--one who exhibited appropriate astonishment and dismay at the turn of events, apologized sincerely, and said--in  clear English--that he'd fix the situation.

   

Maybe he will; maybe he won't. The point is, THAT’S ALL IT TOOK to undo, at least temporarily, weeks of ill treatment on the part of his company. Good grief. Makes you want to throw something against a wall....

   

For great customer service insight, go here and here and here.